Somewhere along the way, I mistakingly got the idea that it was about me.
Maybe I overcompensated after being left for dead as a baby, but I’ve spent most of my life seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Work, food, sex, drugs, alcohol, risky behavior, business adventures, the list goes on and on.
I’m 37 years old and I’m now learning that it’s not about me, it’s never been about me, and I truly don’t want it to be about me.
Even in my marriage, I’m learning that marriage is not about being happy.
I know some of you are saying, “Ain’t that the truth. Preach sister.”
But seriously, let’s look a little deeper at WHY we are here.
We all have unique beliefs as to what our purpose here on earth is, (or lack thereof), and a decision to make about who we want to be and what mark we want to leave on the world, (or not)……
….From there, we have daily choices to either back up those beliefs with actions, or to let fear keep us from achieving said purposes.
Fear can masquerade as excuses like lack of time or money, or my personal favorite, blaming my kids….
“Those kids keep me so busy and someday when they’re grown……”
You know if I’m talking to you.
Fear can also look like beliefs that we’ve picked up or inherited over time….
…..Beliefs that may not even be true and don’t serve us anymore in the efforts to be growing in consciousness.
“I’m too lazy.”
“I’m not the ‘speaking’ type.”
“I like to keep to myself.”
“I don’t like people judging me.”
“I don’t actually like people.”
“I’ve got a lot on my plate, I’m so busy.”
Some of us have been walking around far too long wearing our trauma and busyness like badges of honor…..
But let me tell you, my friend, what honor is NOT.
Honor is NOT ignoring your pain.
Honor is NOT burying your trauma.
Honor is NOT putting yourself last.
It’s NOT honorable to teach your kids by example that mental health is not important.
It’s NOT honorable to teach your kids that because you’re an adult you can do and say whatever you want.
It’s NOT honorable to just survive.
I recognize that to some of you these are fighting words, to four years ago Christina, these were fighting words.
But hear me out, and hear my heart.
Don’t get me wrong….
Surviving IS honorable.
I believe it’s honorable to put other’s needs and desires before yours.
I believe it’s honorable to control yourself and not explode your anger and trauma all over people.
So I get that by now this may sound like I’m a walking contradiction:
“Honor is not burying your trauma”, and then a few seconds later I say, “but it’s honorable to control yourself and not explode your anger and trauma all over people”….
How do we not “bury the trauma and anger” and yet not “explode anger and trauma everywhere we go?”
What else is there?
“Christina, how can you be both? How can you say that “surviving is honorable”, but in the same breath say, “it’s not honorable to just survive”?
Because Intention leads to outcome.
This is proven, yet many still hold a belief that limits their growth, (aka limiting belief), that tells them that my statement, “intention leads to outcome” is bogus, that life is random and unfair, that karma’s a b**ch, and all that jazz.
So let’s hop back to the beginning of this shindig where I mentioned my newly adopted belief that my marriage, and motherhood, and anything else in my life, is not about me being happy….
….It’s about me fulfilling my ultimate purpose.
My unique experiences have led to me believe in a Divine power that is the most powerful energetic force in all of creation.
I call this many things, but “God” works beautifully.
My unique experiences have led me to adopt certain belief systems that comfort, serve, and empower myself and my family, and keep me elevating life.
I was listening to a message just yesterday from a Pastor at Brave Church online, and the speaker spoke of how God’s purpose is not to make us happy, but make us holy, more like Jesus, more in the “likeness of Christ”.
He went on to say that all people we encounter we can look at as Divine opportunities to grow in attributes more like Jesus, like a loving person that walked the Earth, speaking, healing, meditating, eating, drinking, loving.
Basically the concept that if someone is irritating you, you can allow it to teach you patience; if someone angers you, you can practice healthy communication; if someone triggers you, you can allow it to show you what you need to heal in yourself.
I still to this day remember my parents, (my pastor dad and his pastor wife- my mom), telling me this at 18 years old when I was making a few questionable decisions that I said made me “happy”.
“God doesn’t want you to be happy Christina, He wants you to be holy.”
‘What the ****?! Hold the phone. What kind of God doesn’t want me to be happy? He wants servants?? What kind of “God” is this if he is forcing everyone to be unhappy for his own twisted plots?!’
You can see the 18-year-old me was a bit dramatic.
But she was authentic to where she was at in her spiritual journey, and I have to respect that.
Unfortunately, coping was not her best skill, and choices were made based off those beliefs, or lack thereof.
I don’t regret any of them, because they led me to where I’m at now, and I confidently believe that because of my circumstances and the roads I’ve walked on my journey, I’m authentically equipped to walk others through it.
But I now confidently and happily believe that my marriage and my motherhood journey are not about me being happy. I don’t have to demand respect from everyone in order to be okay with myself. I don’t have to be getting what I need out of a relationship in order to make deposits into the relationship bank.
It’s about me always BECOMING so that I can always be serving my family and creating a ripple impact in the world.
Those are just my beliefs of course, if you disagree, that’s okay, I can handle it.
I don’t have to hold the same beliefs as my friends in order for us to be friendly.
We have all walked different paths and climbed different mountains; to EXPECT others to understand our perspectives and beliefs, and agree, is…. unrealistic.
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Please leave a comment with your thoughts, stories, or emotions around this. 
